What is Good Sex Education

Abstinence-only Sex Education is neither good nor is it Sex Education and it is certainly NOT Rape Prevention. Probably all education is but two things: first, the parrying of the ignorant children’s impetuous assault on the truth, and second, the gentle, imperceptible, step-by-step initiation of the humiliated children into the Lie. —Franz Kafka Over the years, many people who have heard about my work, and who presently have or who have had children ages twelve to eighteen, assume that schools are bringing someone like me in regularly to talk to kids that age about sex, relationships, gender roles, sexual orientation, misogyny, date rape, homophobia and growing up with domestic violence, among other crucial topics. They hope someone is augmenting sex education curricula that are more significant for what they leave out—sex, relationships, gender roles, sexual orientation, misogyny,...

Rape Prevention for Girls and Women

When I address high school girls and college women I begin by telling them about male socialization. Most haven’t heard the truth about male socialization, especially from a male. Very often as I talk, some cry, most get very quiet. Previously they have been taught to ignore their instincts; not to identify abuse that they have suffered as abuse; that the greatest danger is from a stranger; and that it is nearly inevitable that they will be assaulted. Their only hope, they have been taught is: 1) to dress differently; 2) to drink less; 3) accept the protection that a male relative or partner offers (no matter that statistically he is most likely to assault them); 4) blame the victim and otherwise distance themselves from other survivors who they believe to be weak; 5) continue to believe that it is hopeless—that there is nothing that a “mere” girl or woman can do to avoid sexual...

Student Questions on Sexual Ethics

Your Childrens’ Questions Many Questions But Few Good Answers Note: I base my beliefs on responses from students in the thousands of sessions I have presented across the U.S. in middle schools, high schools, colleges, juvenile and adult prisons, group homes among other venues. I have presented approximately one hundred sessions in high schools and colleges in Canada. Based on my reception from Canadian students, I feel my conclusions are valid for Canadians as well. Additionally, high school and college students from nearly every country in the world who attended my educational sessions while they were studying in the U.S. have remarked that my discussion of the toxic socialization of boys in the U.S. matched their experiences growing up even considering differences of language and culture.  Cautiously Entering the Minefield of Students’ Emotional Lives In the thirty-three years that I...

Help Wanted

Take a moment and dream with me.  Wanted at every college in the country… Help Wanted: Vice President for Violence Prevention Vice President for Violence Prevention: This school, like all others, has kept barriers to reporting sexual assault in place so that we can report zero (or a “few”) assaults. Therefore sexual assault and relationship violence exist on an epidemic level on this campus. Previously prevention efforts were “slotted-into” a low-level on the institutional priority list. As this institution thus needs to learn and practice sexual ethics itself, we are seeking a committed, passionate person to provide leadership for campus rape and other violence prevention education programs, the First Year Experience Seminar and new student orientation programs. Special focus: To teach sexual ethics to males. This includes confronting coercive faculty and staff. Must have proven...

Coming Home to a World Without Rape

“We are not even able to think adequately about the behavior that is at the annihilating edge. But what we think is less than what we know; what we know is less than what we love; what we love is so much less than what there is. And to that precise extent we are so much less than what we are.”

R. D. Laing, The Politics of Experience