This was a short speech I delivered at the Madison Area Peace Coalition anti-war rally in 2005:
How boys are raised
Especially how we raise boys to fill armies
I’ve been a member of Men Stopping Rape for 19 years.
When I started doing workshops with boys in high school and men in college,
I heard some disturbing things from many of them.
I realized that they didn’t have a well-formed conception of sex that was diametrically opposite to rape.
As I realized this, I thought back to my training as a normal male, my sex education.
I saw that boys are still being discouraged from understanding, accepting and loving themselves. Instead boys are being taught to understand themselves as being “not gay,” and “not female.” These are the ever connected twin terrors, gays and females.
Fags and pussies
Boys are taught to hate themselves and resent and fear gays and females
They are desperate to prove that they are nothing like those weak, victimizable others
Their alienation makes them perfect for the military
Emotionally neglect a boy
Sexually, physically, psychologically abuse a boy
Don’t protect his mother from abusive men
Teach him that male violence against females is “normal”
Teach him that male violence against males is “normal”
Show him that no one can protect him
Show him that no one will protect him
Teach him that he is not safe
Abuse him and demonstrate to him that he is unsafe
Abuse his mother and when the system does little or nothing to protect her by stopping the perpetrator, demonstrate to that boy again that he will never be safe from male violence
That he will never be safe that war is the answer
Create a soldier
Boys growing up watching/experiencing DV
The prisons are full of boys and men who were witnesses to domestic violence.
The prisons are full of boys and men who were secondary victims of domestic violence.
The prisons are full of boys and men who are victims of incest and sexual assault.
The prisons are full of wounded boys and men, as are other previously all-male environments: boarding schools, Boy Scouts, colleges, athletics, fraternities, ROTC, police and corrections departments, fraternities, juvenile and adult boot camps, public and private workplaces, seminaries and the military, among others.
This abuse still takes place in previously all-male settings that were “forced” to permit women to enter. It is only since some of these institutions have grudgingly allowed the entrance of women, that the previously unpublicized abuse of males by males in those settings was revealed. The abuse of males by males continues to be ignored, trivialized or defended as “business as usual.” It is even glorified by some as “necessary” in order to raise tough boys (i.e., those able to withstand abuse?) All-male environments foster an environment where male-on-male sexual assault thrives. But it is never referred to as rape or sexual assault. It is sanitized by calling it “Hazing” or “Initiation.” The abuse, the hurt was there. It was so common it was “Normal.”
For generations, male-on-male sexual assault has been an intrinsic part of the US Military. To continue the brainwashing begun as little boys and furthered in middle school and high school, the military raises the stakes. The homophobic fears of little boys are stoked and seemingly born out. We know that the vast majority of perpetrators are heterosexual, but the misdirection becomes hard-wired. Instead of fearing males known to them, boys and men learn to fear the ultimate “other,” the faceless gay stranger.
MALES LEARN:
Distrust one another. Distrust all males.
Be homophobic. Fear and avoid emotional intimacy with any male, since that increases our vulnerability to harm by every male.
Radiate “tough.” Idolize and try to emulate gangsters, military combat personnel, World Wrestling Federation entertainers, professional athletes, criminals and pimps. These men are not weak and vulnerable to sexual assault. They hurt others; others do not hurt them. They are fearless (or at least never admit to or show their fear).
Walk like “a man;” “walk the walk.”
Hate/fear gays. Hate those who males incorrectly identify as being “like” their perpetrators. Believe the lie that all those males preying on boys are gay. Most males still haven’t been told that most perpetrators are heterosexual and that there is a difference between same-sex sex and same-sex sexual assault.
Joke about Michael Jackson and the abuse of boys, joke about the rape of males in prison, joke about “horny” clergy. Jokes wherein same-sex sex and same-sex sexual assault are endlessly conflated. Joke about forced “homosexual sex acts” such as anal intercourse, fellatio and masturbation of another male. Such “humor” is the only way most males can mention (however obliquely) their terror of being sexually assaulted.
Remember: Distrust one another. DISTRUST ALL MALES.
When I was doing a training for the Navy a Marine therapist said that every male he had counseled for eight years had been a sexual assault survivor. Not one had ever come in for counseling for the sexual assaults. They came in for other issues.
We need to insist on males taking responsibility for their acts. But we also need to stop holding wounded boys and men responsible for the abuse that was visited upon them.
Forgive Your Father
He hurt you, that was wrong
But all you have done is replicate his abuse
Just because the military rewards you for trading your souls and consciences by allowing you to kill, rape and torture with impunity, does not make those heinous acts any less grotesque.
Deal with the abuse your father perpetrated on you.
Don’t replicate it.
You can’t exorcise it by replicating it.
You become a monster, dangerous to yourselves, partners, children and indigenous people in war zones.
The fundamentalists that hate sex love war, they love Bushes' war.
Heal boys' pain-stop tolerating the exemplary citizens-clergy, coaches, and scoutmasters, among others who prey on them. Stop defending boys abusing girls and other boys, as just “boys will be boys.” According to some of his players, who told me this some years ago, head football coach Barry Alvarez refers to women as "cum dumpsters" when he talks to his athletes.
We can teach boys truly to "make love and not war"
The Church Says: The Body Is A Sin.
Science Says: The Body Is A Machine.
Advertising Says: The Body Is A Business.
The Body Says: I Am A Fiesta.
—From Walking Words By Eduardo Galeano
Thank you.